The Homogeneity Consequence
by Concupiscence66
Summary: Sheldon decides Leonard's genetic strain would benefit from an infusion of cornhusker.


"Leonard, I'm glad your home. I have something I would like to discuss with you. Have a seat."

Leonard was nervous as he hung his messenger bag and coat on the back of his desk chair. Any time Sheldon wanted to have a talk, it meant he was about to inflict something horrible upon the world. Or at least upon Leonard. He crossed his fingers and hoped it had nothing to do with Amy Farrah Fowler.

"I was speaking to Amy Farrah Fowler today..."

Leonard moaned and collapsed onto the couch next to Sheldon.

"Leonard," chastised Sheldon, "don't interrupt me with your belly-aching."

"My belly-aching?"

"Yes. Your. Belly. Aching. Be quiet and let me speak. I have good news for you."

Leonard's heart was in his throat. This was sure to be bad.

"I think you and Penny should resume your relationship and procreate."

"What? Why? What?"

"I was speaking to Amy and I started to think about your loins..."

"My loins?"

"Your. Loins," Sheldon was clearly growing weary of the conversational trend, "or, in fact, the genetic potential that lies within your loins."

"Please never use the word loins again. Ever."

Sheldon told him not to be such a child and went on the elaborate on his discussion with the dreaded Amy. Apparently, Amy was surprised to learn that Leonard was directly related to so many notable Hofstadters. After all Leonard was "...a work-a-day intellect. Short. Myopic. Weak. Pasty. Unattractive to women. Tedious in conversation. Socially awkward. Incapable of processing most foods..."

"That's me in a nutshell," chirped Leonard, hoping to end the wave of insults.

"If you had a weaker chin, you could pass for royalty," was the cherry on Sheldon's insult sundae.

"And has Penny crossed you in some manner that makes you think she should be forced to mate with someone as unappealing as me?"

"As I. Good lord, man, you have a Ph.D. Master your mother tongue. You are the product of generations of highly intelligent, successful and ambitious persons mating. This has lead to a high consistency in familial IQ but..."

"Left me short, blind and ugly. You think my problem is genetic homogeneity."

"Exactly! You need some hardy corn-husking stock to strengthen your genetic strain. Where are you going?"

Leonard pulled his jacket on and threw his messenger bag over his shoulder, "I'm going to hide until you get this stupid idea out of your head. And maybe look for a new roommate."

Sheldon shook his head at Leonard's exit.

"Do you think we can breed out his whininess?" Amy asked from Sheldon's lap top.

Leonard waited until after Sheldon's bed time to return to his apartment. Sheldon was wide awake, waiting for him on the couch.

"Are you ready for a sensible conversation?"

Leonard gave in and sat down for round two.

"I appreciate your concern for the future of the Hofstadter gene pool but..."

"You're welcome, Leonard. I invited Penny over tomorrow for dinner so we can properly vet her as a possible mate. Good night, Leonard."

"But..."

"Good night, Leonard."

Leonard wanted to warn Penny but he couldn't think of a single thing he could say. Perhaps the Shamy had a point, intellectual inbreeding had left him lacking. He tried to set ground rules with Sheldon but his roommate kept insisting he would be subtle.

Because Sheldon was nothing if not subtle.

When Penny walked through the door, Leonard knew what he should have said to warn her. He should have said, "Don't talk to Sheldon because he's a goddamn lunatic." Sure, now the creative juices were flowing.

Penny tried to talk about work. Leonard tried to talk about the weather.

"Penny, do you know of anyone in your family that has been diagnosed with a major mental illness such as bi-polar disorder or schizophrenia?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"I'm just making idle conversation," Sheldon shot a conspiritual glance at Leonard, "I was just wondering about your family's history of mental illness."

Leonard was grateful for the knock at the door. If there was ever a conversation that needed interrupting, this was it.

"That will be Amy Farrah Fowler," Sheldon announced as he went to answer the door.

Leonard slumped in his chair and hoped some demon hands would reach out and pull him into the refrigerator, Ghostbusters-style. No such luck.

The addition of Amy gave Leonard a brief reprieve as Penny made efforts at polite conversation.

"So, Penny, what would you say was the average birth weight of you and your siblings?" asked Amy in what she must of have imagined to be a "conversational tone".

"I know what you guys are doing and it's not going to happen so give it up," snapped Penny.

Sheldon and Amy looked surprised.

"Yes," Penny continued, "I know you want me to be the surrogate mother for your little test tube baby but my womb is not for rent."

"Too bad, guys," Leonard jumped in, seeing a ray of light at last, "Penny isn't going to have anyone's baby so let's drop it and eat. Amy, tell me all about your current research. In detail. Please cite your sources."

Amy was almost taken in but Penny piped up.

"If I have a baby, it's going to be my own baby."

Sheldon gave one of his rare smiles.

"See, Leonard. Penny isn't opposed to bearing children as long as she's contributing to the DNA. You still have a chance."

Come on Zuul, Leonard prayed, come and get me!

Penny turned to Leonard with her eyebrows raised, "There had better be a good explanation for all this."

"Sheldon's crazy?"

Penny still looked annoyed.

"Sheldon and Amy think I need to father children with someone who isn't an effete, over-education, privileged urbanite so my children won't end up tiny, ugly, blind trolls like me who can't eat grilled cheese sandwiches."

Penny looked horrified and turned angrily towards Sheldon, "Leonard isn't ugly! Why would you say that?"

"I never said he was ugly," retorted a clearly offended Sheldon, "I said he was unattractive to women. That's not my opinion, that's my observation of the past seven years."

"In fact," added Amy helpfully, "Leonard's lack of appeal may stem less from his physical appearance and lack of height than from his personality and his phermonal stink of desperation."

"Stop it! You guys are being horrible!"

Leonard was as surprised as Amy and Sheldon at Penny's vehemence. It was actually pretty nice. He wasn't used to being defended.

"If I can step in for a moment, I really don't mind these insults from Sheldon because he's my best friend and that's my fault but, Amy, I don't think we have the kind of relationship where it's appropriate for you to tell me I stink of desperation."

Amy looked wounded, "Really? I thought we were good friends, Leonard. I see I was mistaken. I apologize. I'll be leaving now."

As the door closed behind Amy, Penny looked at the roommates.

"Really? Neither of you is going to go after her?"

"Why would I go after her?" asked Sheldon, "She's knows her way home."

"Fine, I'll go talk to her," Penny snapped with a glare at Leonard.

Once Penny was gone, Sheldon turned to Leonard and announced he was disappointed.

That was hardly a surprise.

"What did I do? Amy and I aren't friends. She can't criticize me over dinner and expect me not to react."

"If Amy weren't your friend, she wouldn't be concerned about your progeny. It was she that suggested we find you a suitably hardy mate. Of course, there's a selfish aspect to our concern. Should we opt to have a child of our own, there will no doubt be a dearth of potential mates for someone so remarkable..."

"You want to set my imaginary baby up with your imaginary baby? Even for you, that's a bit crazy. What if we both have boys. Then they can't mate and it's all for not."

"You're being short sited Leonard. This isn't just about our children but our children's children. Unless there is a significant step forward in genetic engineering and an even more significant step backwards in ethics regulations, Amy and I may have to have numerous children in order to have just one or two that are remarkable. We are both products of genetic mutations derived from mediocre stock. You and Penny will have it much easier. Do you even have a relative who isn't a genius?"

Leonard was about to bring up his uncle that was kicked in the head by a horse but at that moment, the women returned.

"Leonard, I would like to offer my apologies. Penny has explained to me how you may have interpreted our assessment of you as hurtful. Let me add that you have admirably small pores and your hair has a healthy sheen that is appealing."

"Thank you, Amy. That..." is kind of creepy, "means a lot to me. You appear to have an excellent balance of sebum."

Amy looked flattered and sat down. Penny opened her mouth as though to ask "what is sebum?" and then closed it as if to say "I don't honestly care".

Sheldon was staring at Leonard, "Am I to believe that our commenting on the simple realities of your poor eyesight, lack of physical stature and..."

"No more insults, Sheldon!" piped in Penny, she waved her fork at him threateningly.

"Are you planning to stab me with a fork? I'm not insulting Leonard, I'm making observations. Leonard has terrible eye sight."

"But his glasses make him look smart."

"He doesn't need glasses to make him look smart," sputtered Sheldon, "Tell her this is nonsense, Leonard."

"Well..." Sheldon was giving him a disappointed look, "Yes, I'm sensitive about being short and lots of other things just like you're sensitive about your bifurcated uvula."

"And you're out of scale head size," added Amy, "and your alien-like long fingers."

Sheldon held up his distinctly visitor-like hands and nodded thoughtfully.

"And we certainly don't want our potential children to inherit your formidable proboscis," added Sheldon as Penny dropped her head to the table and mumbled "Why?"

Penny forced them to each write five nice things about each other on a piece of paper and each person had to read their good qualities aloud. Penny looked at her lists.

Penny is

skilled at blackmail

possesses a butch spirit

has excellent hand eye coordination

fits the current standards of beauty

is a very good friend.

She forced a hug on a confused Sheldon and wiped a tear from her eye. She was touched to see Amy's list also included "good friend."

Leonard's was the least wordy of the three.

Smart

Funny

Beautiful

Kind

Perfect

"Smart, Leonard? I'm the only person in this room who isn't a genius," it came out sounding more serious than she'd intended. Leonard flushed.

"I believe Leonard is referring to your understanding of social norms and interpersonal skills. For example, your ability to see a problem in our interactions and then offer a solution in the form of this ridiculous exercise."

"Sheldon, that was almost sweet of you to say?"

"You aren't going to hug me again, are you?"

She settled for patting his arm.

Penny and Leonard exchanged looks when Sheldon's list to Amy included "comely".

They laughed at Sheldon's list for Leonard: "compliant, easily persuaded, amiable, agreeable and good window cleaning technique".

Penny was a little disturbed at how similar her and Amy's lists were for Sheldon. Using very different words they both mentioned his intellect, humor, uniqueness, loyalty and tenacity. Penny referred to Amy as her "sister by a different mister" and Amy told her to never do so again. Penny felt better.

Leonard and Amy both took a tonsorial approach to their lists for one another. Penny was careful with her wording of Amy's list. Everything she liked about Amy could also be construed as an insult: Her complete lack of social skills or social filter, her brutal honesty, the way she seemed to make no effort to protect herself from the judgment of others.

Her list for Leonard was pretty pointed.

1. handsome

2. looks smart in glasses

3. perfect size

4. brilliant

5. endlessly patient with the people around him

Leonard pushed the thick-rimmed glasses up the bridge of his nose and tossed his healthy head of hair and laughed.

Sheldon ruined it all by asking, "Are we having what is referred to as an 'Oprah moment'?"

They were able to eat their meal with a general sense of conviviality. Amy and Sheldon stopped questioning Penny on her genetic make-up and Leonard was in a pretty good mood when Penny went back to her apartment. He even felt up to playing one of Sheldon and Amy's ridiculous games. He was not a genius like Sheldon and Amy. He was the kind of genius that only understood things that made sense, like quantum mechanics. However, in the spirit of friendship, he was willing to do a few shots and hit himself in the head with a hammer and figure out how the world would be different if hyper-intelligent ferrets took over East London.

"In a world where pianos weigh a ton a piece, what would be the most popular sport in America?"

"Ping-pong," responded Leonard without a moment of hesitation.

"Explain."

"If pianos weighed a ton then steroid use would become so rampant amongst professional movers that a) professional athletes would see their supply diminished b) the high fatality rate in the field would leave a dearth of movers c) Most American parents won't be able to force their children to play piano so said children will roam the streets and get involved in drugs and street violence leading to America losing it's role as a super-power d) in China, children will simply be taken to the pianos leading China to produce the finest piano players in the world, China will then focus it's resources on creating new technology for transporting pianos for world tours leading to a series of technological break throughs not seen since the last world war. China takes over the US and we all play their beloved sport, ping pong."

"Very good, Leonard!" exclaimed Sheldon.

"I see that there is more to you than a glossy head of hair," added Amy.

"I owe it all to my partner," Leonard said modestly, holding up a half empty bottle of wine.

The next morning, Leonard's head was pounding from a mixture of too much wine and too much Shamy. Sheldon, however, was in a fine mood.

"Good morning, Leonard! I've prepared you a well-balanced breakfast. Plenty of protein and carbohydrates."

"Why did you make me breakfast? What are you planning?"

"Why are you always so suspicious? It's very unappealing. I simply want you to have a good start to your day so you'll have the physical stamina and mental clarity to woo and engage in coitus with Penny."

"No! I thought we were done with this! Penny doesn't want to be your Hofstadter baby factory."

"Don't be over-dramatic, Leonard. It is also unappealing. No wonder you're alone."

"How am I alone? I know Siamese twins who spend more time apart than you and I."

"You could hardly know Siamese twins as Siam no longer exists. You mean conjoined twins and you're being hyperbolic and illogical. Not to mention annoying. Now eat your breakfast before it gets cold."

"This is actually really good. Thanks."

"The secret ingredient is respect. And lard."

Penny sat across the cafe table from Amy. Amy had suggested breakfast but they compromised on brunch. Somewhere all of Penny's old friends were sleeping off hangovers while she was drinking a mimosa.

"Have you come to a decision as to whether or not you will mate with Leonard?"

Penny choked on her mimosa. Amy made Sheldon seem subtle.

"Leonard and I aren't even dating."

"Easily rectified. You live across the hall from one another. You can begin dating post haste and be procreating by the end of the year."

"When you put it that way... It sounds ridiculous."

Amy's face fell.

"I don't understand, Penny. Leonard is a perfectly viable candidate for a life partner. Are you concerned by the discrepancy in your physical attractiveness? While humans do tend to mate with others with a similar degree of physical beauty, keep in mind, soon enough- by the current standards of beauty- your looks will begin to fade while Leonard's attractiveness may actually increase with gray hair, smile lines and the absence of his ridiculous hooded sweat shirts..."

"I like Leonard's hoodies! His grandmother sends them to him for his birthday... but she has dementia so he gets like five a year now. There's nothing wrong with Leonard."

"Ah. You seem to be implying the problem lies within you. What is 'the problem', Penny."

Amy looked excited to be solving a puzzle, as though the complexity of Penny would need more than 12 pieces. No sky.

"He's a physicist at Caltech. I'm a waitress/failed actress. People like him, like his father!, have mid-life crisis affairs with people like me. They marry women with real careers and who listen to NPR."

"I see what your saying and you make a valid point."

"Well, that's great," Penny snapped, "We're in agreement then."

"Not quite. In theory, you have a valid point but the evidence suggests that Leonard has never wavered in his adoration of you. Not even when you "dumped" him in a bowling alley in front of all his friends."

"That's not what happened! Okay, that's pretty much what happened."

"Perhaps, subconsciously, Leonard knows he needs to find a mate who has the qualities he lacks. His genetic strain can certainly use a touch of..."

"Farmgirl?"

"Despite my general dislike for colloquialism, I believe your word choice encompasses the qualities to which I refer. You are a hardy, strong, tenacious, resilient woman. A person, to use a more old-fashioned colloquialism, 'of the people'. Leonard needs a woman like that."

"Genetically."

"And in general."

"Leonard, 'the revolution will not be televised'. I say that metaphorically, of course. Naturally, the revolution will be well-documented for future generations to observe. However, in keeping with Gil Scott-Heron's meaning, you will not be able to be a passive observer. Either your progeny will be part of a great new society or they will become drones."

"Why do you care if me and my kids are drones?" Leonard was so exhausted by this conversation. Sheldon's illusions of grandeur had gotten much grander since the inception of the Shamy.

"You're my roommate."

"But I won't be in this imaginary future. You'll be living with Amy..."

"Amy lives with her mother. There isn't enough room for me to move in."

"You and Amy can move somewhere else..."

"And leave her mother on her own? I think not."

"Well, I'll be living with the unfortunate mother of my progeny."

"Penny can move in with us."

"We can't raise kids in a two bedroom with three adults."

"We'll buy a house. I have an excellent credit score. Perhaps we can buy a house large enough for Amy and her mother to move in," Sheldon was getting excited now.

"Why don't we just live in our own houses with our own families?"

"What's the point in strengthening your genetic line if you simply raise them to be sloppy and indifferent to their work? They'll need my guidance to reach their full potential."

"I don't even get to raise my own imaginary kids?"

"They won't be imaginary. They'll be real so, buck up, buddy. You're going to be a father."

"Amy was right," Penny observed as Leonard tried to catch his breath, "You do need a farmgirl."

Leonard had no argument, he was delightfully exhausted but (once again lying in bed with the woman of his dreams) he did have an important question.

"Why the hell are you and Amy friends now?"

Penny propped he head up with her hand and her beautiful face twisted in an imitation of Sheldon in deep thought, "I think it's because... I'm so into science."

"Penny?"

"Yes, honey?"

"If we ever have a baby... I think Sheldon plans to steal it and raise it as a Sheldon Jr."

"So he's going to steal our baby and take it where? Down the hall to his room?"

"He already told you he plans to live with us forever?"

"Oh, sweetie, no one had to tell me that. I knew it before the first time I agreed to go out with you."

"And you still said yes?"

"The heart wants what the heart wants. And sometimes what the heart wants comes with a side order of crazy."

Leonard wanted to just enjoy the peace and get lost in the moment but it simply wasn't in his nature.

"I don't care if you never say it, never feel it, but you should know that I love you."

"Thank you. I love you, too."

"Oh. Oh, you do? Great! That's even better! Thanks."

"No more talking, sweetie."


End file.
